A Stepping Stone on the Road to Recovery from Pornography Addiction

Hey everyone,

I hope the summer is going well, and that you have been able to spend lots of time with those you love:).  I have been wanting to post about the available Internet filtering and accountability software for awhile, and have been spurned on by my recent blogging for www.thinkyouthministry.com.  So, here goes:)…

We will be looking at Internet filtering and accountability software for computer and mobile applications, including Mac, iPhone/iPad/iPod, PC, Android, and Blackberry devices.

There is much to consider once you have decided to take the step to secure your Internet capable devices, including filtering strength; parental control options; accountability options; and cost.  This is just barely breaching the surface…

Let’s begin with some definitions.  Internet filtering software is designed to limit access to content available online, including pornography, violence, language, and other material deemed questionable.

Internet accountability software is designed to keep you accountable for your online activity by sending email alerts to people of your choosing should you access material you have previously deemed questionable.  They are then able to follow up with you if required.

So, without further adieu, here are the Top 5 from my perspective:

1.  Covenant Eyes (www.covenanteyes.com) – Computer and Mobile applications for Mac, PC, Android, iPhone/iPad/iPod.  NO BLACKBERRY SOLUTION.

Cost: Computer – accountability & filtering ($10.49/month = $125.88/year) – any computer.  Mobile – free with subscription to computer software.

2.  X3watch (www.x3watch.com) – Computer and Mobile applications for Mac, PC, Android, iPhone/iPad/iPod.  NO BLACKBERRY SOLUTION.

Cost: Computer – accountability and filtering software lite = FREE; Pro ($7/month = $84/year) – up to 10 computers.  Mobile – $6.99 app purchase

3. K9 Web Protection (www1.k9webprotection.com) – Computer and Mobile applications for Mac, PC, Android, iPhone/iPad/iPod.  NO BLACKBERRY SOLUTION.

Cost: Filtering software.  FREE to all applications.

4. NetNanny (www.netnanny.com) – Computer and Mobile applications for Mac, PC, and Android.  NO iPhone/iPad/iPad SOLUTION.  Used to provide Blackberry solution – BLACKBERRY SOLUTION DISCONTINUED.

Cost: Computer – filtering software $39.99/year/computer; Family Pack (3 computers) = $59.98/year.  Mobile (Android only) – $19.99/year/device; $29.98/year (3 devices)

5.  Mcafee Safe Eyes 6 (www.internetsafety.com/safeeyes) – Computer and Mobile applications for Mac, PC, and iPhone/iPad/iPod.  NO SOLUTION FOR ANDROID OR BLACKBERRY.

Cost: Computer – filtering software $49.95/year (up to 3 computers, Mac or PC).  Mobile – iPhone/iPad/iPod – $14.99 app purchase

You may have noticed the theme of NO SOLUTION FOR BLACKBERRY.  It may be hard to believe, but there are currently no dependable solutions to filter/monitor/provide accountability for browsing on a Blackberry mobile device.  As a result, I would never recommend providing a Blackberry mobile device to your children, nor would I suggest anyone struggling with pornography purchase/use a Blackberry.  This is unfortunate, as those loyal to Blackberrys do not seem to be interested in any other product.

Depending on the platform (mobile device, computer), operating system, Mac/PC/Android/Blackberry, there are different checks and balances to ensure the software does what it is designed to do.  This may get a little on the “techy” side of things, unfortunately.  It cannot get too far, though, as I am not that techy myself…

1. Type of User – before we get too carried away, we need to consider the user of the device being protected.  If the user struggles with an addiction to pornography, the filtering software/accountability options must be firmer and more difficult to bypass.  For a 10-year-old child who we wish to protect from accidently accessing questionable material, the approach will be different.  This will depend on the 10-year-old, unfortunately.  The point here is to provide filter/accountability software that is appropriate for the user…

2. Embedded Web Browser Removal – All Internet ready devices, computer or mobile, come equipped with a search engine allowing you to navigate the Internet.  Some of these products allow for these search engines to be uninstalled (computers – Mac and PC; iPhone/iPad/iPod), while others do not allow for this (Android and Blackberry).

Computers (PC/Mac); iPhone/iPad/iPod – you are able to install software that filters Internet content and sends accountability reports.  This covers all bases, making it very difficult for the user to access restricted material.  If they do happen to access restricted material, accountability reports will be sent out as a result.

Android – software can be installed that filters Internet content, but you must use the search engine that comes with the software and NOT the imbedded search engine that cannot be uninstalled from the device (Google).  If you use Google and not the search engine provided by the software, nothing will be filtered.  Accountability reports will be sent out regardless of the search engine used on the device.  X3watch (www.xxxchurch.com) offers site blocking, but only for computers, not for mobile devices.  Covenant Eyes and Net Nanny only offer accountability.  This is great, but does have limitations.  Those caught in the throws of pornography addiction will use whatever means they have to access the pornography, and deal with the consequences later.  This sounds extreme, but this is my experience working with those struggling with a porn addiction.  The men I have worked with over the past number of years who struggle with this do so for considerably longer, even when in treatment, if they still have access to pornography – accountability software or not.  Full blocking of access to material provides the best results when embarking on a journey toward freedom from pornography addiction.

Blackberry – no accountability or filtering software is currently available.  I suspect software developers are hesitant to pour resources in to the development of applications specific to Blackberry, as it appears the company is on a steep decline.

3. Restrictions – in order to ensure the user of a computer/mobile device does not simply bypass all filtering/accountability software by simply uninstalling the software, then reinstalling it after viewing questionable material, all devices must be password protected.  Some accountability software will provide notification if a program is uninstalled, but by the time you receive this notification the material you are trying to limit has likely been accessed.  If you are unfamiliar with how to password protect the devices you are installing filtering and accountability software on, consult a techy friend or search for a tutorial online.

4. Apps – To make things even more difficult, many apps have embedded web browsers (facebook, twitter, etc.).  This feature allows users to access the Internet through the app, thus bypassing ALL filtering and accountability software.  As a result, consider restricting the ability to add apps to mobile devices.

5. Know the limitations… – unfortunately there are no perfect solutions as far as filtering/accountability software goes.  The point of having it installed on devices your kids may use is to protect them until they are able to make their own good decisions about what they access online.  The most important thing you can do is work as hard as you can to keep open communication with your kids.  Be approachable – your kids will speak about what’s going on in their lives if you give them the space to do so, as long as they feel safe and secure.  You know, just like the Internet devices you provide them with:).

Take care,

Andy Lundy

Andy Lundy is a psychotherapist working in private practice (www.junipertree.ca) in Newmarket, Ontario, Canada.  He can be reached via email at andrew.lundy@junipertree.ca.  Please send him your questions:)…

Hello everyone,

Philosopher M.L.A Hart explained that if a martian were to visit the Earth, s/he may explain a house fire as caused by a superabundance of oxygen in the environment.  The environment the martian calls home is vastly different from that of the our own, making the differences plain.

A different perspective can be refreshing.  It can also be challenging, and often unwelcome.  That jerk you met with for a job interview that told you what his first impression was, in no uncertain terms, before telling you the job would not be yours does not hold a special place in your heart:).  If, however, his advice was taken and your corresponding first impression improvement allowed you to secure a future job, maybe a little thanks should go his way.  Perspective…a different one is something very difficult to get on our own.  We need help, and should actively seek it out when dealing with problems in life.  Friends, family members, co-workers, therapists, etc. can all play a valuable role.

The realization we need to make changes in our lives is hard to reconcile much of the time.  We are reluctant, often due to our own pride, to admit that what we have been doing is not beneficial.  Changes to our environment are no different.  The men I work with wrestling with pornography addiction are resistant to change their environments, saying something along the lines of “If I have to change all this stuff in order to overcome this, that would show that I’m not really better.”  Even though they say they want change, and they do or they would not be in treatment to that end, they have not yet recognized the role their own pride is taking in the problem.  They have not come to a place where they are willing to do whatever it takes, for as long as it takes, to ensure they are not caught up in the addiction.  If that means they cannot have unguarded Internet access for the rest of their lives, so be it – that is difficult to accept when pride is involved.

Here is the importance of environment in recovery from pornography addiction, and why we need a perspective allowing pride to be reduced.  Our brain associates activities with places, objects, smells, tastes, time of day, etc.  As was discussed in the previous post (It Creeps…), our brain is amoral, meaning it does not have a moral compass.  It forms habit based on what is beneficial and feels good, and pornography coupled with masturbation provides a strong chemical payoff for the brain.  Our brain then associates places/objects/smells/tastes/time of day/etc. with pornography and masturbation.  If you do it in the same place or places, your brain will immediately become heightened when you enter that place/those places, regardless of your intentions.  The brain thinks it is go time, and the physiological processes associated will begin.  This is why it is so important to change your environment when trying to combat an addiction to pornography.  Once thoughts are in your head, and physiological responses have begun, it is difficult to deny the payoff your brain is looking for.

Move your computer.  Move your television.  Use a different bathroom (if available).  Wherever it is that you view pornography and masturbate – change the space.  I do not mean use an alternative space to view pornography and masturbate:).  What I mean is that you need to shift the physical space – change the layout, move the furniture, paint the walls a different colour, get some plants, whatever – just change the space so your brain will not immediately associate it with looking at porn and masturbating.  If scheduling needs to be changed as well, do so.  Maybe you view email at night before going to bed, which is the first step toward looking at porn for a number of hours, followed by not enough sleep, resulting in a frustrating day at work the next day.  View the email at a different time, in a different (safe) location.  In short, do whatever it takes to change your environment.  It may seem like a small, unnecessary step, but it is one of a number of small steps that if taken, will help to lead you out of addiction to pornography and masturbation.

The home environment is one thing.  Another is the images you surround yourself with at work, the entertainment choices you make (movies, television shows, events, etc.), and the media you consume.  What are the messages contained within?  Are they overtly sexual?  Are they sexualized to a degree that causes you to begin thinking about pornography/masturbation?  If so, you need to change them.  Not easy, but necessary.  Your pride will tell you otherwise…

I would speculate that if our great-great-grandparents were able to visit us, they would say there is a superabundance of sexualization in our environment.  It is everywhere, used to market everything to everyone.  As far as pornography goes, just type in a few specific phrases and a world of whatever deviance you can think of will open to you via your favourite search engine.  30 years ago you would have had to work really hard to gain access to material that 8 year olds (and younger) can view easily.

What’s your environment like?  Are you surrounded by sexualized messages?  Do you surround yourself with media saturated with underlying or overtly sexual content?  Do those you associate with sexualize everything?  Do you?  If a martian (or your great-great-grandparents) viewed your environment would they plainly see the overabundance of oxygen (sexualization of everything…) as the explanation for the house fire (pornography addiction)?

Andy Lundy

Juniper Tree Counselling and Psychotherapy Services (www.junipertree.ca) offers individual and group pornography recovery treatment options.  Individual (children, youth, adults), couple, and family therapy services are also available through Juniper Tree.

Good morning all,

I hope your weekend has begun well, and that it will afford you time with those your care about.  I relish this time of year – the weather is turning, allowing for time spent outside; there is a newness about the landscape in general; potential seems more palpable – summer is around the corner.  The changing of seasons leads from the old to the new…

Change from the old to the new.  Change always provides the potential for something good, something better, something fresh, something different – something.  On the other hand, change can also result in regression – its about how we respond.  Given the opportunity we can slip little by little into something we no longer recognize.  It is often difficult to catch the shift, as we are very good at justifying little changes.  Big ones, not so much.

Anyone using pornography for any length of time can attest to this, as the images we view initially do not satisfy for long.  Things we saw three years, three months, three weeks, even 3 days ago just don’t do it anymore.  I have used the phrase “it creeps” in this space before, meaning the viewing of increasingly deviant forms of pornography is gradually incorporated over time.  Most of us do not begin looking at violent forms of pornography involving rape, for instance, but some of us get there.  If we were exposed to that type of pornography initially, we would likely recoil in disgust, easily identifying the messages behind such porn (misogyny; complete focus on satisfying self at the expense of another; that women really want and enjoy violence/multiple partners/animals/inanimate objects/family members/neighbours/etc. involved in their sexual practices regardless of what they say; etc.).  But we justify, little by little, until we get there.

You are likely saying something along the lines of “I do not want to look at women being raped, I cannot justify or reconcile this.  But when I am viewing porn I cannot seem to help myself.  I hate myself for it, but I don’t know what to do.  I understand that it is completely wrong – how can you say I have justified this?”  Good question.  For those of you thinking “I am not there, nor will I ever be” – maybe, maybe not.

Let’s take a few sentences to speak about our brain.  Our brain does not have a moral compass.  Our brain works really hard to reinforce behaviour that brings it pleasure, and to avoid behaviours that bring pain.  When we do certain things that result in the release of serotonin and dopamine, our brain characterizes these things as good.  Viewing pornography and masturbating does a very good job releasing these chemicals.  Our brain then associates the activities as good.  Once these behaviours are established as good, it is difficult to change them.  Definitely not impossible, but difficult.

As the images we initially viewed lost their stimulating affect, our brain is requiring more stimulation in order to get the chemical payoff it is hoping for.  So we continue to look at different images until we find some that allow us to climax.  These images are then associated with the chemical payoff.  The next time around these images will likely be involved, regardless of whether we are keen on it or not – your brain has dictated them as good.  It will creep, it will get weirder and weirder the longer you are involved.  Most men who view child pornography do not begin with child pornography – it is a gradual progression.

A science teacher I had in high school spoke of trying to boil frogs he and his father had caught.  They were planning a meal for his mother, who apparently enjoyed frog’s legs.  Not sure why boiling was the chosen method of cooking, but it was.  And they also had to cook them alive for some reason.  The whole point of his story was that if you tried to place a live frog in a boiling pot of water it would simply jump out.  However, if you put it in the water and slowly raised the temperature, it would not leave the pot and eventually boil to death.  I was skeptical.  Wouldn’t the frog feel the increasing heat and jump out?  ”Definitely not” stated my teacher, as “the frog becomes acclimatized as the heat is increased.  If you do it too fast, it will jump out.  If you do it slow enough, it will not realize what is happening, and remain in the pot.”

I have not attempted to boil any frogs, so I cannot attest to the accuracy of his statement.  According to Wikipedia, a very reliable source:), some 19th century experiments demonstrated the premise to be true if the heating was gradual enough.  I wouldn’t doubt if Dr. Malik was involved in some of those 19th century experiments given his age.

Regardless of the accuracy of the frog boiling story, the message can be easily applied to pornography addiction.  You would recognize the more deviant forms of pornography for what they are if you where thrown right in.  If your brain has the chance to acclimatize and associate more and more deviant images with a strong chemical reward, it will do so.

This is where the struggle between our brain and our mind comes in.  I have already explained what I mean by the brain – no moral compass, only concerned with promoting behaviours that release serotonin and dopamine, and avoiding pain.  The mind is the term I will use for our consciousness.  This is where our morality lies.  This is where we sort out what we value as defining our character, who we are, what it means to be us, what makes up our identity, etc.  Our mind and our brain battle for control.  Our brain wants the chemical release, while our mind wants to preserve our integrity.  When our brain takes over, our mind is often left far behind, leaving us feeling very out of control.

Recognize your environment.  Are you in a boiling pot of water?  Is is getting ever hotter?  If it keeps you mired in things you do not wish to do, change it.  Challenge your justification – would your 10 year younger self be okay with the things you are doing?  If not, probably time for a rethink.

This is hard – no doubt about that.  Change usually is, especially the good kind.  Get some help – you will flourish given the opportunity…

Andy Lundy

Juniper Tree Counselling and Psychotherapy Services (www.junipertree.ca) offers individual and group pornography recovery treatment options.  Individual (children, youth, adults), couple, and family therapy services are also available through Juniper Tree.

Good afternoon,

I am happy to say I am on week two of March break with my son.  It has been great to have him home during the day over the past week and a bit, and due to the unseasonably warm weather we have been enjoying here north of Toronto, much of our time together has been spent outside.  At this point I do not really want to think about getting back into school schedule again next week – I would rather have him home and have summer schedule begin.  I am sure that by the end of next week we will once again be used to making sure he is up on time, his lunch is made, his is wearing at least close to matching socks, etc., but for now our perspective is one of enjoying the extra time we are getting with him.

In some ways it will be difficult to have him return to school next week.  We know he loves school, and has been asking when he gets to see his classmates and teachers again; and we also know he is growing in his learning, social skills, recess skills:), etc.  We recognize these things as good.  Prior to the break, wrapped up in the busyness of our lives, we do not always have the same perspective.  Perspective is so valuable, and unless we are able to take a step back and see the “bigger picture”, our understanding will be limited.

When we are habitually viewing pornography and masturbating, we are not able to have a perspective of the larger affect it is having on our lives.  We cannot see how isolating the behaviour is, how internally focused and selfish we are, how the behaviour is severely limiting our capacity for relationship.  We cannot see the slow creep of justification for behaviours we never would have entertained prior.  We may have become uncomfortable with how we view the opposite sex, and cannot seem to help ourselves.  Ultimately our character changes – the things we value, the things that make up our conscience and moral compass, have been violated.

It does not happen overnight – if it did we would recognize it immediately and take steps to do something about it.  Until we are able to extricate ourselves from the practice entirely, we will not be able to gain the perspective we need.  The men that I have worked with who have had the most success overcoming an addiction to pornography and masturbation are the ones who have been able to cut off the source of their pornography entirely, no matter what the inconvenience.  After some time away, usually around a month, they are able to gain some perspective on how the practice was negatively affecting their lives.  They are usually surprised how blind they were to these things when they were intrenched in the practice.

If you are unsure of the negative affects of pornography and masturbation in your own life, try going for a month without viewing porn.  See how your perspective shifts.  See how much more rested you feel.  See how much more time you have in the day.  See if you can become more other focused in your relationships.  Just see…you owe it to yourself and those you love.  Re-engage in your life, remember who you are and who you want to become…

Andy Lundy

Juniper Tree Counselling and Psychotherapy Services (www.junipertree.ca) offers individual and group pornography recovery treatment options.  Individual (children, youth, adults), couple, and family therapy services are also available through Juniper Tree.

Good afternoon all,

The sun is shining here north of Toronto, Ontario, Canada.  There are birds singing outside my window, and there is light coming through the curtains at 7am now that our clocks have moved forward.  This week seems much fresher than last.  If only 7am did not still feel like 6am…

As I got up this morning visions of bike riding danced through my head.  I had prepped my bike over the weekend, and was ready to take it for the first ride of 2012.  I searched for my sort-of-cold-weather gear to no avail, but was not about to let a minor detail such as proper attire either delay or derail the plan.  I was going for a ride, and that was that.  I put on what gear I could find and set off.  The ride to the trailhead reminded me that I have been spending too much time sitting over the winter.  Burning legs after a few hundred metres on flat pavement was not encouraging.  Plus my legs were pretty cold, as were my head and hands.  I hit the trail, and forgot about the burning legs.  The first bit of water I ploughed through (much deeper than it looked…) instilled the importance of appropriate attire.  Cold, cold, cold.  The rest of the ride was more of an attempt to make it home with some sense of feeling in my extremities, like my body was screaming “Hey, Andy – its March 13th!  Its still cold out no matter how nice it looks!  You have to be prepared!”

And that’s the thing about weather – it is honest.  It does not promise something that it is not.  Yes, it can change quickly, can be incredibly violent, and is definitely unpredictable.  However, when it is cold you cannot expect it to change to suit your tastes should you head out in only your shirt-sleeves.  I appreciate weather’s integrity.

Speaking of honesty, I came across this article on www.xxxchurch.com’s website.  It was originally published in Playboy.  It is an interview with musician John Mayer, in which he speaks very candidly about pornography, masturbation, and the thought life associated with each.  I wanted to give a preamble about honesty prior to getting into the contents of the article – judge not lest ye be judged.  I appreciate the honesty from Mr. Mayer, and hope he is not slammed for it.  It is this type of honesty that needs to be common place in our churches if this topic is to be properly unpacked – the problem is that honesty with this topic in the church seems to bring quick judgment.  Obviously this type of discussion would need to occur in the appropriate venue with the proper participants.  Unless we are honest with ourselves and each other, things will not change.  Expecting this issue to take care of itself would be akin to heading out into the cold in our shirt-sleeves…

Here is a snippet from the article – be forewarned, this is honest:

MAYER: “Internet pornography has absolutely changed my generation’s expectations. How could you be constantly synthesizing an orgasm based on dozens of shots? You’re looking for the one photo out of 100 you swear is going to be the one you finish to, and you still don’t finish. Twenty seconds ago you thought that photo was the hottest thing you ever saw, but you throw it back and continue your shot hunt and continue to make yourself late for work. How does that (porn) not affect the psychology of having a relationship with somebody? It’s got to.”

As much as it would be nice to think that John Mayer is some type of freak on the fringes of this, it would not be accurate.  I hear the same thing over and over and over in my work with men struggling with pornography addiction.  I particularly like the part when he speaks about how pornography addiction will absolutely affect any relationship you are having.  He goes further:

MAYER: “…during sex, I’m just going to run a filmstrip. I’m still masturbating. That’s what you do when you’re 30, 31, 32. This is my problem now: Rather than meet somebody new, I would rather go home and replay the amazing experiences I’ve already had.”

Here he is speaking to pornography’s ability to separate you from even wanting relationship.  Why would you work at something if you can satisfy yourself?  This is only one of the inherent dangers of pornography addiction, and one of the awfully negative affects it can have on relationships – when things get difficult, those addicted to pornography have the ability to disengage and satisfy themselves.  Working on the relationship is much more challenging then that, especially in the short term.  He goes even further when asked if he prefers masturbation to sex with a partner:

MAYER: “Yeah. What that explains is that I’m more comfortable in my imagination than I am in actual human discovery. The best days of my life are when I’ve dreamed about a sexual encounter with someone I’ve already been with. When that happens, I cannot lay off myself.”

I probably do not need to write much more about that.  He is completely focused on himself, not at all on anyone else.  This removes capacity for healthy relationship.

As I have said in this space before, if we do not think there is a problem with the younger generation in our churches (and society in general) relating to pornography, that it is just some phase that young men (and increasingly young women) go through, that it is normal and natural, it is very apparent those speaking in these tones have no idea what they are talking about.  Do even a little bit of half-hearted digging and it will become apparent very quickly.  Harsh?  Yep.  True?  For sure.

So, how is your community dressed for the cold weather?  Heading out in the hopes the freezing rain/sleet will suddenly turn into a bright sunny day?  Not going to happen, especially when it comes to pornography and masturbation.  Get the right gear to deal with the climate, of which wishful thinking is not part.

At risk of sounding harsh, I write the following.  If you are in a leadership position and are doing between nothing and very little to deal with this, you are being negligent.  Don’t march the kids/young adults/men/women you are leading out into the cold unprepared.  Is there more to us then our sexuality?  Absolutely.  The unfortunate part is that our media landscape would have us think otherwise.  You must adjust to this reality.  Open your eyes – it is all around us…

Andy Lundy

Juniper Tree Counselling and Psychotherapy Services (www.junipertree.ca) offers individual and group pornography recovery treatment options.  Individual (children, youth, adults), couple, and family therapy services are also available through Juniper Tree.

Good afternoon everyone,

Yes, this is going to be yet another internet post on masturbation – you may be wondering why we need another.  Hopefully there will not be too many in-advertant euphemisms, although that may make the post more enjoyable:).  If you do a quick search on masturbation via your favourite search engine you will come up with lots of results – opinions; medical advice/facts; moral standpoints; advice on technique; etc.  Much confusion will ensue.  Within the Christian community there is varying opinions bridging from permissive to full-on guilt inducing prohibition.

What I am not going to try to do with this post is come to a conclusive, definitive stance that all should abide by.  I am not going to attempt to answer the question of whether youths should relieve “sexual tension/energy” through masturbation.  What I will speak about are my thoughts on the subject related to pornography addiction, informed by my experience working with folks trying to overcome such an addiction.  Hopefully some of my thoughts will inform your process when thinking about the questions I am not trying to definitively answer within the confines of this post.

My good friend Nick Hill passed on this quote from C.S. Lewis:

“For me the real evil of masturbation would be that it takes an appetite which, in lawful use, leads the individual out of himself to complete (and correct) his own personality in that of another (and finally in children and even grandchildren) and turns it back; sends the man back into the prison of himself, there to keep a harem of imaginary brides. And this harem, once admitted, works against his ever getting out and really uniting with a real woman. For the harem is always accessible, always subservient, calls for no sacrifices or adjustments, and can be endowed with erotic and psychological attractions which no woman can rival. Among those shadowy brides he is always adored, always the perfect lover; no demand is made on his unselfishness, no mortification ever imposed on his vanity. In the end, they become merely the medium through which he increasingly adores himself…After all, almost the main work of life is to come out of our selves, out of the little dark prison we are all born in. Masturbation is to be avoided as all things are to be avoided which retard this process. The danger is that of coming to love the prison.”

Long quote, with lots of meat – lets try to provide some milk to aide in the digestion.  The main point for Lewis seems to be that of loving the self, of entertaining the self, of the seduction that comes with that which allows us to remain completely focused on the self to the detriment of our own development.  We are stretched to grow through interaction with others – this is definitely true in relationship.

As discussed in a previous post in this space (Intimacy…), we are relational beings.  Our relationship with others inform us in many ways.  We are socialized through these interactions, for better or for worse.  Relationship is not a smooth process – it can be gruelling work.  The working out of difficulties in relationship fosters growth.  Masturbation is often an activity that is used to self-soothe.  Unfortunately this self-soothing is often used as an attempt to address the difficulties had in relationship through masking the negative emotions associated.  It is a retreat into self that does not promote growth and change.  It sabotages the development of skills required to work through challenges in relationship by turning the focus on to ourselves and what we can do to meet our own needs, regardless of the other(s) we are in relationship with.  The further we sequester ourselves, the less reliant we become on others, removing opportunity for deep and meaningful relationship.

That is the basic relationship side of things – we have not even begun to discuss the challenges that keeping-your-own-personal-harem-willing-to-do-whatever-you-want-to-meet-your-exclusive-sexual-needs-without-the-bother-of-or-need-to-even-think-of-reciprocation brings to romantic relationships.  If you are able to meet your own needs through masturbation, chances are very strong you will take this route when things are difficult in your relationship.  The number of men I have spoken with who will masturbate instead of involving their wives, especially when things are not great in the relationship, is very high.  The number of women I have spoken to who complain about how distant their husbands have become is also very high.  I am not saying the two are linked conclusively all the time, but I would hazard a safe guess at men meeting their own needs through masturbating as contributing to the problem.

Now, some of you may be thinking to yourselves, “Of course I would rather be intimate with someone else than with only myself.”  This is a fair point, most of us would agree that we prefer a partner for sex.  Am I saying that masturbation will drive someone to ignore the sexual relationship they have with their partner because sex with themselves is superior?  Probably not.  What it may do is further the gap between partners when things are difficult in the relationship.  Again, meeting your own needs in this manner does not require you to actively engage in relationship with your partner on an intimate level.

Yet another challenge posed by masturbation is the thoughts that go along with it.  It depends on your stance on what constitutes lust (and whether you think lust is a problem or not).  I feel there is a difference between lust and attraction.  We are sexual beings, and along with that comes attraction.  We are going to be attracted to those we are attracted to, and I do not see a problem with this.  No guilt for being attracted to someone.  I feel sin comes into the picture when we begin to involve the people we are attracted to into our sexual fantasies.  If we take our thoughts beyond “Hey, that person is attractive” t0 “I’d like to ____ with that person” our thoughts have moved from appreciation for the human form to lust.  Lust is a problem because it does not require the consent of the other person, and would likely violate their personhood should they be aware of how we are using them/their body in our own fantasies.  The choice would not be theirs to make as they are not involved in the process.  If you are finding your thoughts turning lustfully toward others you have seen or know; to past experiences with partners you are no longer with; I would caution you.  Your thoughts are moving outside of a mutual relationship and toward your self exclusively.  This will sabotage your relationships.

What about when your partner is away?  Many men over the years have told me they will masturbate when their partner is absent, and think exclusively of them while they do so.  Ultimately you will have to decide for yourself if this is appropriate, and let your partner know.  If they have a problem with this, then it will be a violation in your relationship.

Being honest with yourself is the most important part of this.  If masturbation brings lustful thoughts, then it is a problem.  No matter how we justify it, if this is the case it is sin.  That sounds harsh these days, but it seems pretty black and white to me.  If masturbation is habitual to the point it feels beyond your control it is also a problem.  Whenever we are controlled by something to the point where choice no longer feels part of the equation, you are entering the realm of addiction.  If you can masturbate without having lustful thoughts, be wary of the potential for lustful thoughts – these can creep in slowly a little at a time.

Lets recap.  Masturbation has the ability to keep you focused entirely on your own needs.  This selfish stance will negatively affect your personal relationships, and has the potential to sabotage your sexual relationships by holding your focus on your own needs above the needs of your partner.  Masturbation will likely involve lustful thoughts that will not involve the permission of the other party, violating their personhood.  If it becomes habitual, it may lead to addiction that further isolates.  The further isolated one becomes, the more skewed their ability to relate becomes.  If you are masturbating frequently (a number of times daily), your ability to relate to people without viewing them in a sexual manner will be greatly diminished.

If you are finding masturbation is a problem in your life, I can pretty much guarantee it is negatively affecting your relationships.  If you want to change, it is very difficult to do it on your own (there is one of the aforementioned euphemisms…:).  As awkward as it may be to speak with someone else about this, there are professions bound by confidentiality who are happy to assist.  If you have been struggling with this for years and are feeling is it hopeless, contact a professional – there is definitely hope.

Andy Lundy

Juniper Tree Counselling and Psychotherapy Services (www.junipertree.ca) offers individual and group pornography recovery treatment options.  Individual (children, youth, adults), couple, and family therapy services are also available through Juniper Tree.

Good morning everyone,

When is the last time someone sent you an explicit text message?  Maybe a request to send back an explicit photo of yourself?  Do you get multiple text messages/emails with content that would be considered “adult” on a daily basis?  Was this the reality of your life when you were in elementary school?  High school?

Kids are equipped with mobile devices that will allow them to send sexually explicit messages to one another; allow them to take photographs of themselves in various states of dress (or not dressed), which they can then send to one another; allow them to access pornography whenever and wherever they so choose, and send these images to one another; etc.  How would you have handled that when you were 10?  12?  16?  How are your kids handling it?

It should not be a mystery to us that our kids are growing up in a different culture than we did with regard to technology and the role media is playing in their lives.  Media and marketing is sexualizing our children at an increasingly younger age, and technology has opened availability to “adult” material that would have been difficult for most adults to access 20 years ago.

You may feel I am overstating this, blowing things out of proportion.  I have had people tell me in the past I may have these opinions because of the work I do, that this is not the reality for “normal” families and kids.  Well, CBC has released a documentary called “Sext Up Kids”.  If anything, we are not giving this nearly enough attention.  Our kids are viewing pornography at an earlier age (en mass) than ever before.  As a result they are developing ridiculous views on sex and sexuality.  Our daughters are being trained to look/act certain ways, perform sex acts to please boys, accept sexually explicit texts/requests for pictures as normal things that boys do, etc.  Our sons are learning that girls are there to please/satisfy them sexually, that having multiple partners is pretty normal, that sex is purely recreational, that girls really want to have sex even if they say they do not, etc.  Don’t believe it is that bad?  Watch the documentary.

If you are a parent, watch the documentary in the above link.  Watch it if you are not a parent.  Watch it with your partner, if possible, and take some steps to address this with your kids.  Regardless of how uncomfortable you may be with the issues presented, finding out how far your kids have taken this in 2, 3, 5 years time will be much more uncomfortable.

I am not trying to say that all kids are involved in this, that your children are bad, or anything like that.  What I am saying is that you need to have a dialog with your kids about this.  You need to install filters on your computers/mobile devices to protect your kids.  You need to be responsible with the technology you have provided.

We need to pay attention to what is happening and act accordingly.  Do your part.  If you need assistance, get in touch with a professional that has experience dealing with this.  Juniper Tree is an organization that offers such expertise – we are here to help and more than willing to do so.  Be proactive – it is much easier than being reactive.  Take care…

Andy Lundy

Individual and group pornography recovery treatment is available through Juniper Tree Counselling and Psychotherapy Services (www.junipertree.ca).

Good day everyone,

It is leap day, a day that only comes around every four years.  Despite the rarity of the day, is there anything that makes it special?  Can you recall what was happening in your life on February 29th 2008?  Do you remember what you did on that day?  I cannot, and I do not think I am alone based on the conversations I have had so far today…

This got me thinking about character.  There is nothing memorable for me about the last number of February 29ths besides their rarity.  The character of the day was not any different, and character ultimately defines things.  Perhaps before we go any further I should define what I mean by character…

For the purpose of this posting, I am defining character as the traits that identify us as unique individuals, making up the moral compass through which we filter our actions.  Sure, many of us share a number of traits, such as (hopefully:) kindness, empathy, patience, self-control, integrity, genuine concern for the welfare of others, etc.  Some of us possessing these traits act upon them, others do not.  Each of us acts differently from day to day.  The circumstances we find ourselves in will often dictate our attitude and actions; unfortunately this may trump a conscious choice to act a certain way regardless of circumstances.  Our character is what identifies us with others.  We all know people who are defined by their anger, their negativity, their willingness to cut others down, their propensity to see the worst in others and in themselves.  We also know people who are annoyingly positive regardless of what is happening to and around them, to the point where we do not buy their attitude as genuine.

How does this relate to pornography addiction?  Here is my take on it – we all have a moral compass/conscience/filter/whatever through which we view life.  This is made up of the character traits we feel are important.  If we are not living accordingly, there is dissonance.  If our actions are incongruent with our morality, we may recognizing the challenges this poses and self-correcting, or we may justify our actions by entertaining the slippery-slope of excuses, ultimately negatively affecting our character.  There are most definitely shades of grey in between these bookends – some coloured commendable, some shaded reprehensible.

How does this negatively affect our character?  Through slow erosion.  If we lean toward the excuse bookended side of the shelf, our attitudes toward what we once deemed guiding moral principles will shift to mere suggestions, ultimately ending in offensive suggestions about how to live our lives.  Porn definitely has this power.

Porn will shift your moral constructs when it comes to humanity.  You will view women differently, children differently, violence will become more acceptable, you will value yourself and your own satisfaction as paramount, on and on and on.  It creeps.  If you are not there yet, you will be given time and exposure to increasingly deviant forms of pornography.  It will continue to get weirded and weirder the longer you are involved.

Your character will shift, and you will not be able to reconcile it.  When we do not live according to the moral constructs we have for ourselves we cannot be happy.  If you are living apart from how you want to be living, it is time to change.

Maybe today can be the start of something different.  Change takes time, and will not happen overnight.  It does take a first step, however, and that first step usually happens in our minds.  If you take the step now you may be able to reflect on four years worth of change when the next leap day roles around.  It will be memorable – it will have some character…

Andy Lundy

Individual and group pornography recovery treatment is available through Juniper Tree Counselling and Psychotherapy Services (www.junipertree.ca).

Happy Friday everyone,

I hope the week is ending well, and that the weekend holds opportunity for rest and relaxation with those close to you.  Earlier this week I used the term “heart issues” in a post to describe some of the problems often at the root of addiction to pornography, and promised a post unpacking this term a little more.  Today is the day for that post:).

Today’s caveat – I am not claiming these are the only potential challenges that lend themselves to an addiction to pornography, nor am I saying that everyone who struggles with pornography addiction is working from a base of these problems.  This is simply an exercise in reflecting on the experience I have working with men struggling with this – these are the most prevalent difficulties as the layers deepen during treatment…

1. A focus on self above all else.  Yes, above all else.  It is hard to have only a partial focus on self – either you are focused on serving yourself or on serving others.  Yes, we can flip-flop given the appropriate circumstances, especially when we want to appear a certain way, but ultimately what we do when “the cameras are off” shows what is important to us.   So, are you selfish?  Self-centered?  Trying to answer that will likely lead to…

2. Pride.  Those of us who are proud will not be able to entertain thoughts of our own brokenness.  Too much wrapped up in our own awesomeness, too much to lose by admitting faults.  Too proud to admit the need for help will further isolate – there cannot be a different result than that.  Too proud to admit you have a problem will prevent you from taking the steps necessary to limit your access to whatever medium your attain pornography.  Pride will tell you that you are strong enough to do it on your own, despite mountains of evidence to the contrary.  So, is your pride preventing you from taking steps/action that you know you absolutely, unquestionably, NEED to take?  Is your pride preventing you from having any…

3. Integrity.  Personally integrity.  Maybe you do not lie outright to people, you don’t steal supplies from work; maybe you leave a note on the car you hit in the parking lot; etc, etc. – that is all fine and good, even hard to do.  But do your actions, ALL of them, line up with the moral standards you have for yourself?  Yes, none of us can expect perfection; but when habitual actions go against the moral standards we have for ourselves, it is impossible to reconcile these actions without sacrificing our integrity.  We may look good on the outside, but we cannot fool ourselves all of the time.  You will suffer, and end up…

4. Excusing yourself.  This one creeps.  It starts out with small things, but will eventually infiltrate the entirety of your life.  Once we begin to let things slide just a little, the race is on.  It is only a matter of time before you will be letting more and more slide, to the detriment of your character.

This sounds harsh, and admitting to any of the above is difficult.  It has been my experience that one of the main reasons it is difficult to admit to any/all of these is that doing so will require you to do something.  You cannot admit these things without realizing the need for change in your life.  Change is difficult, to say the least.

It has also been my experience that those who choose to make the changes find a freedom they did not know existed in life.  How much energy do we put into covering for our actions?  Unless we are able to get some separation, we will not have the perspective to realize just how hard we work at maintaining whatever facade we have built up.

So, I will ask again – are you selfish?  Self-centered?  Too proud to take a serious look at yourself?  Is your integrity intact?   How much energy do you spend excusing yourself?  Ultimately, are you being honest with yourself?  If you are not, you will struggle to reconcile it, your character will suffer, and you will become a facade that represents something it is not.  Harsh?  Definitely.  True?  You be the judge.

If you are feeling this may be true in your life, get some help.  Those you share relationship with will be forever grateful, and you will become the man that you want to be.  Is this scary?  Absolutely.  Is it scarier than living a life full of lies?  I would say no, but you have to make that decision for yourself.  You can fix this, face yourself along the way, and be much better for it afterward…

Andy Lundy

Individual and group pornography recovery treatment is available through Juniper Tree Counselling and Psychotherapy Services (www.junipertree.ca).